My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
