yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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