I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
