Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
