i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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