I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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