I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
