the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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