I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
