The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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