Jerry, you need to find god
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I will pee on everything he values.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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