last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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