I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
