Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
