life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
