I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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