If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
