I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
