Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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