There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She bit a glass in half.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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