I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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