I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
