So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
as a side note pls kill me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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