i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
