I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
