I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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