my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
