I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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