I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
