There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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