When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
