I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
