when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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