porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
