I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
40s are totally the cure
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
