Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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