haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
