peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
