On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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