best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
