im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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