70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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