Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need a beard to bite.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
