We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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