You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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