Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
