guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
