Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
