All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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