Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
