Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
