Don't you send me to vm
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Let's get the cat blown out
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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