Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".