She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is this like a preordered booty call?