Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.