your parents love me but you hate me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
