your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
