it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
