im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
