So drunk its hurt
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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