Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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