You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
